I went in for the biopsy. Ian went with me. I tried to be thankful but to be honest I was terrified. I was terrified that the results would show cancer. I had 12 masses. The doctors seemed optimistic that they weren’t going to be, but I feel like that is their job. Being positive is what the hospital staff tries to do. I worked in nursing for 10 years. I knew the drill. I tried to stay thankful for my family. When I woke up, I was in so much pain. I didn’t know what pain was until I woke up from that. They said it wasn’t supposed to hurt, but I had 2 kids naturally and this hurt.
At USC before my biopsy
The doctors told me that it would take about a week for the biopsy results and that I could go home and rest. I went home and my girls were so excited to see me. They jumped and gave me hugs. I was thankful for that. I went upstairs to lay down and started feeling so depressed. Ian told me not to worry. I would be fine. He is always so optimistic. I feel like some days we are polar opposites. It was so hard for me to feel that way. He went back downstairs with our friends and I continued to lay there feeling depressed. Almost like I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to wait for the results and I didn’t want to know what they were either.
I heard a little tiny knock at my door. It was Mia, my oldest. She came over to my bed and gave me a sweet kiss on my forehead. She told me that she could tell I was in pain. She asked if she could just lay beside me for awhile. Her little body crawled into my bed and she squeezed my hand. She then said “Momma, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk, but I want you to know I am hear to listen if you need me.”
I was thankful. In that moment, I realized that as a mother I was doing it right. I realized that from then on I could stop questioning myself. I was doing it right. She was an amazing little girl. She was kind and compassionate and she has been listening to me. In all those moments of skinned knees and bad dreams she was listening to me. She practically repeated my phrase word for word. “I am hear to listen if you need me.”
The doctor called a few days later with the results. The masses were non cancerous tumors. One almost 5 inches in my liver. Most likely caused during pregnancy. I couldn’t even be mad. They were possibly the result of my 2 beautiful children. I had to be thankful.
I spent the next few months at the hospital everyday seeing different specialist, trying to figure out if they were operable. I also ended up with a serve case of Mono due to the stress, which put me on bed-rest for almost 3 weeks. (the plus side- I did finish all of Downton Abby !!) It turns out that there isn’t a procedure that is worth the risks or time in the hospital right now, for the masses. They also shouldn’t cause any major problems as long as they don’t rupture. I deal with pain on a daily basis, but nothing that I can’t handle. I continue to get scanned every few months or when I feel a change. If I engage in to much activity in a day I will be in pain for at least two days. Nothing we can’t handle. I have an amazing husband and we are lucky to have so many amazing people who have been on this journey with us. We are so thankful.
I actually had mono during this photo- I lived in PJ’s for about 3 weeks!
For more of our story- Check out Our Love Story in the Lifestyle section or click the links below-
Thanks for sharing this Erin. You are totally doing this but right. Your kids are so sweet! This totally made me cry.
I’m totally tearing up. You are DEFINITELY mothering right – what an amazing little girl you have!
Have you ever heard the saying “moms don’t get sick”? We are so conditioned to be strong all the time so we can take care of everyone. And sometimes we do get sick or have health problems and I know you will get better. You again impress me so much with your sharing of these parts of your life which I think will only make you, Ian and the girls stronger.
You are a strong woman, having two young kids myself, I could relate to that fear of not being there for them. The way your sweet babies were able to deal with all that, made me cry. You are doing it right!
I about teared up at your daughter’s words! Our kids are little sponges. You’re obviously doing a great job, mama!
I wish you continued strength Erin. You are a beautiful young lady inside and out!!!